I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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