remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
