Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
