So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
