Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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