Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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