Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
