Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize