she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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