At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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