Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize