What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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