she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
