Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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