you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
