I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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