Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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