Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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