I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
