More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
