Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
