I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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