i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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