where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
