Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
