I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize