I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
