??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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