please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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