I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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