He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
