There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I supernannyed him into submission
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
