Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
