think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
