Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
