i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
