Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
