So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
