I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
