I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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