Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize