Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
