There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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