did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize