There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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