Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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