playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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