There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
