She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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