i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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