It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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