I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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