someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
