you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
