my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
