And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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