the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize