Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
