Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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