Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
