So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Randomize
