And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
