I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
