OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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