Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
