my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
