I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
