I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
