All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
