I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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