Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
