every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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