I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
