Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
