Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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