Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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